Shocking Reality!!!

So just had a shocking reality....I hope to God he doesn't read my frivolous rantings. Oh Damn....sigh....oh well.... :( Venting is becoming harder and losing its fun side.

I REALLY NEED TO STOP

          So I find myself with a new problem that my body is yearning for some alcohol or herbal drug to fix. I need to forget. I NEED to not remember. I need to let it go... I NEED to....i can’t do anything but think about him...i can’t do anything else....I can’t Fucking do anything else....i hate this...at one point it started feeling like it was getting easy. It started feeling like it would pass...i can’t even cry...i can’t scream...i try everything...i try every distraction that i can think of and i all am still thinking about is him. I try not contacting him whether by text or phone call and i fail....i end up doing either. I sleep and i dream about him. I am so Fucking pissed at myself that i fell for someone i can never have not even in the next lifetime. I have never been here. I have never loved someone or wanted someone like this before... I have never wanted someone so much. A part of me wishes that i could forget it and move on like i have always been able to do. I really need to let it go. He knows how i feel. He knows i am in love with him. He knows i am dying inside every time i see him and can’t touch him (well i think he knows). How the fuck does people go through this kind of thing and survive? I feel like am going to die. But i need to survive this cause i knew from beginning that it would have never been. That it could have never been. That it was a mere waste of time. I don’t know at what point my heart got stupid and started wanting what it will never and could never have. I am not sure why a part of me keeps holding on to what will never be. 

The Struggle

The struggle is still on...the struggle to find inner peace as i come to grips with the reality that i can't always get what i think i need. As i come to grips with the reality that i can't have who i need. So he's the first thing on your mind in the mornings and the last when you go to bed...so what? You will get over him....................eventually...........you have to.................you have no choice in the matter................so even though reality sucks.............the world of fantasies never disappoint..........so smile for a new twisted beginning...:)

And here is where it has all began...

So this is how it ends by way of how it begins....i haven't been here for a while but i guess i could say i have a good reason...

Said I wouldn't....

So I said i wouldn't fall but i did....and its worst than any motherfucking pain you can think about....

Secrets

"The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you set secrets free. Whether good or bad at least they're out in the open like it or not. And once your secret is out, there is no need to hide behind them any more. The problem with secrets is, even when you think you are in control, You really aren't"- Meredith, Greys Anatomy