So I find myself with a new problem
that my body is yearning for some alcohol or herbal drug to fix. I need to
forget. I NEED to not remember. I need to let it go... I NEED to....i can’t do
anything but think about him...i can’t do anything else....I can’t Fucking do
anything else....i hate this...at one point it started feeling like it was
getting easy. It started feeling like it would pass...i can’t even cry...i can’t
scream...i try everything...i try every distraction that i can think of and i
all am still thinking about is him. I try not contacting him whether by text or
phone call and i fail....i end up doing either. I sleep and i dream about him. I
am so Fucking pissed at myself that i fell for someone i can never have not
even in the next lifetime. I have never been here. I have never loved someone
or wanted someone like this before... I have never wanted someone so much. A
part of me wishes that i could forget it and move on like i have always been
able to do. I really need to let it go. He knows how i feel. He knows i am in
love with him. He knows i am dying inside every time i see him and can’t touch
him (well i think he knows). How the fuck does people go through this kind of
thing and survive? I feel like am going to die. But i need to survive this
cause i knew from beginning that it would have never been. That it could have
never been. That it was a mere waste of time. I don’t know at what point my
heart got stupid and started wanting what it will never and could never have. I
am not sure why a part of me keeps holding on to what will never be.
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